


If Only Things Were Different

by FictionGalor



Category: Berena - Fandom, Holby City
Genre: F/F, F/M, Family, Slow Burn, berena - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-20
Updated: 2018-01-10
Packaged: 2019-02-17 14:32:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13078884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FictionGalor/pseuds/FictionGalor
Summary: Set when Bernie was pregnant with Charlotte. Serena and Bernie are the same age they were when they had there children but everyone else is canon age wise. Due to being pregnant she has to stay at home, so to avoid going stir crazy for the next 8 months she applies for a 6 month fixed term consultant position on AAU. All the people and situations in Holby will be canon minus Berena. The trauma suit doesn’t exist yet. Serena and Edward are newly divorced due to his cheating and drinking. Elinor is 3 also and Serena has temporarily reduced her hours to juggle home and work more easily hence the need for a fixed term consultant whilst she finds her feet as a single mum. No Alex, and Bernie hasn’t really considered her sexuality, nor has Serena. Slow burn Berena.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I intend to update every Wednesday, I will try my very best to do so. I’m aiming for this to be a longer fan fiction. Hope you enjoy! (Please give me feedback, all welcome).

Bernie looked down at the pregnancy test in her hand, it was positive. A smile spread across her face, her left hand sliding under her pyjama top to lay against her still flat tummy. Her thumb grazing gently over the smooth skin of her tummy. “Hi baby” she said quietly.  
Bernie and Marcus had decided that when she came back from tour this time they would try for a second baby. Cameron was 3 now and they felt ready to have another one. They had always intended to have more than one child. Bernie wanted him to have a sibling, so they could support each other and he would always have someone who could help him make decisions about them when her and Marcus were elderly, if they needed care and things like that. Someone he could trust to help make those difficult decisions, who he could rely on when they were no longer there.

She had 2 months off having been away for 7. This was there second time trying, last month they had been unsuccessful. She knew that the likelihood of her getting pregnant first time was slim, even though she had with Cameron. Cameron, although planned, had been a bit of a surprise. She imagined they would have to try for months, possibly having to try between several of her tours but no, she had fallen pregnant the first month. It had scared them both slightly. They had thought they would have more time to prepare, but they were elated. After his birth she only had 4 months off before she had been requested back on tour. Although she loved Cameron dearly, more than she thought possible, she was ready to go back to army life.

As soon as she had found out she was pregnant with him, she informed her officer and was put on leave. Marcus had persuaded her that since it was their first child she should just enjoy the time off and get ready for his arrival. She could set up the nursery and organise everything they were going to need, he would be the main bread winner for awhile. His job at St James paid well enough for them to only have one salary coming in for that year.  
This time however Bernie decided that she would find a locum or fixed term job here in Holby for the duration of her pregnancy. Nothing too full on but enough to keep her busy, and stop her feeling as tide down as last time. She had yet to tell Marcus of her plan but she hoped he would understand her need to stay busy and keep doing the thing she loved so much, medicine. 

Bernie turned sideways to look at her profile in the bathroom mirror. She put the test down on the sink lifting her top slightly expose her tummy. Running her left hand up and down where she new her baby was. Her tummy was still completely flat, toned even from training so regularly. Even when she was on leave she always went for a morning run and the odd trip to the gym, maybe once or twice a week if she got the chance. She knew she wouldn’t be showing yet, she was only 4 weeks along at the most but she was exited. Exited to see her bump grow knowing her baby was healthy and thriving. Her finger ran absentmindedly over one of her few stretch marks she had from Cameron as she thought about getting to see this baby in the scans and then in several months hold them and enjoy those first few weeks when they are so tiny. To see Cam with his new baby sibling, see the caring protective side of him that shon through when he was around a baby. Cameron was a lively boy, full of energy and could be quite mischievous given half a chance, but around babies he was the total opposite. He was quite and gentle, listening very carefully to her about how to properly hold a baby. She loved seeing that side of him, it made her feel very proud of how responsible and grown up he could be.

Bernie lowered her top with one last look at her tummy in the mirror, a smile spreading across her face again. She put the pregnancy test into a nappy bag and tucked it into her makeup draw. She would show Marcus on Sunday night after they had had there weekly roast dinner at his parents. Bernie wanted to keep it as her little secret, between her and the baby for a few days to just enjoy it before having to discuss the logistics of everything with Marcus.

It was still early, 6am which gave her an hour to go for an run and hop in the shower before Marcus would be getting up for work. She changed into a t-shirt and three quarter length leggings that she had left in the bathroom the night before, as usual, so as to not wake Marcus trying to find them in the dark. She ran down the stairs quietly with bear feet and almost skipped into the kitchen to get a glass of water before she left. She felt happy, beyond happy about the baby.

Marcus woke to that sound of the shower being turned on in their ensuite, he rolled onto his side to check the time. It’s was 6:50 meaning her had 10 more minutes to sleep before he needed to get up for work. Having Bernie home made it a lot easier it meant he could get up just half an hour before he needed to be at work as all he had to do was shower and dress. He didn’t need to get Cameron up and sorted, just himself. He always grabbed breakfast at work after ward rounds. He had never been a morning person and the thought of eating at this unholy hour of the morning made him feel nauseous, how Bernie got up and went for a run at 6 every morning he could never understand, especially during her time off. But that’s just who they were, very different people but it somehow worked, they’d always been great friends from day one. Opposites attract and all he thought. 

Bernie climbed out of the shower and wrapped a towel around herself and another around her head to stop her hair dripping down her back. She opened the ensuite door and walked quietly across to the chest of draws to find some clothes. “Don’t worry I’m already awake” a mumble came from the bed, “you don’t have to try and creep about”.  
Bernie laughed “I’m glad seeing as you need to leave in…..28 minutes. I don’t know how you can leave it so late to get ready, and be so calm about it” Bernie wasn’t exactly to most organised person so she always gave herself plenty of time so there was less chance of her forgetting something.  
“Well I’m yet to be late so it’s clearly working out for me” Marcus said, a note of humour in his voice as he haled himself out of bed and walked across to Bernie. “You look happy this morning, good run?” He said kissing her on the cheek.  
“Yeah” she said a smile gracing her lips, her hand subconsciously coming to rest on her tummy between the gap in the towel wrapped around her. “it’s a lovely morning out there, clear blue sky. I might take Cam to the park this afternoon, after nursery if it stays like this.”  
“Sounds good, I’m sure he would love that” Marcus said as he disappeared into the bathroom for a shower, not noticing Bernie’s hand on her tummy.

Cam’s nursery was from 9 until 1, normally when Bernie was away Marcus dropped him of at the childminders house on the way to work and then she took him to nursery, picked him up and looked after him until Marcus finished at 7:30 and came and got him. But since Bernie was home at the moment it meant she got to get him ready and take him to nursery, then she would spend the afternoon with him, just Mummy and Cam time. They both loved that time they had together, it made Bernie feel like she had a chance to make up for time with him she had lost whilst being away on tour. Cam and Bernie had a very strong bond, despite her being away for such long periods of time, she always made sure he knew how much she loved him and that even when she was away she thought about him all the time. When she got the chance she would record videos for him of her telling a bedtime story and email them to Marcus for him to play to Cam if he was missing her particularly that day. It helped keep the connection strong between them.

Bernie tip toed into Cameron’s room, smiling at his crazy sleeping position, he was kneeling on the floor with his head on his little toddler bed, arms stretched out above his head. His right hand still holding on tightly to his teddy bears paw. He always slept holding his bears paw, right from the beginning, as if to make sure he was still there and safe with him. Bernie squatted down behind Cam, slipping one arm around and behind his legs and the other around his shoulders, bringing him to her chest and cradling him like a baby. She shifted into a crossed legged position on the floor, Cam snuggling into her in his sleep, teddy pulled into his chest. Bernie looked down at him lovingly, she loved watching him sleep, he looked so peaceful and content. She brought her right hand out from under him, allowing him to relax into hollow of her crossed legs. Running her thumb gently along his smooth cheek absentmindedly as she thought about how this was the first time she was knowingly holding both her children. His baby brother or sister snuggled safely between them. She couldn’t wait to tell him, see his excitement but she knew she had to wait. She needed to be sure everything was going to be ok before she let him get attached. Bernie knew more than most the risks that could occur during the first 12 weeks of pregnancy, knew she could miscarry. She was young and healthy, and her last pregnancy had been fine, no complications but there was always a chance. If keeping it a secret for a few weeks meant protecting Cam from being hurt then that’s what she would do, keep his young innocent mind safe. 

Bernie leaned down and kissed Cam’s forehead, “Cam, it’s time to wake up baby”, she said rubbing his back with her right hand. Cam stirred slightly, but just nuzzled further into Bernie neck, making a sleepy mumbled noise.  
“I know your comfy baby and I’d love to snuggle you all day but you’ve got nursery today, and I think the fire brigade are coming to visit your class today” she said in a exited tone of voice to try and get him exited. At the mention of the fire brigade Cam’s eyes popped open and he sat up in Bernie’s lap looking up at her with wide eyes.  
“Fire engine Mummy?” Cam said bounced up and down slightly.  
“Yes, there will be a fire engine and firemen and they might let you sit in the fire engine, and press the siren” she said smiling down at Cam’s look of wonder, running hair hand through his sleep towelzeloed hair.  
“Come on let’s go and get some breakfast and get ready to go” she said lifting him out of her lap and standing up off the floor. Despite Cam’s excitement it was still early and he was always snuggly in the morning so he reached up his arms to Bernie for her to pick him up and carry him downstairs. She picked him up with ease, he wrapped his little arms and legs around her and nuzzled into her neck again. She turned her head a kissed his forehead, wrapping her arms around him tightly, enjoying having her baby boy in her arms whilst he still wanted to be picked up. 

Cam loved to be independent and be a big boy so she knew he wouldn’t want to be picked up and snuggled forever. It made her feel sad, she had never been much of a hugger or tactile person. Not even with Marcus, they occasionally cuddled in bed or on the sofa but it was always him initiating it, she just didn’t have the urge to cuddle into him. Her reasoning was always because of the army, she was used to not being able and having to remain somewhat professional at all times, as she was around colleges all of the time whilst on tour. However after Cameron was born he became her one exception, at first it was slightly forced on her part, he didn’t like to be put down for the first few weeks so she held him for his benefit to make him feel safe. But she began to like it, his little warm body in her arms brought her comfort, grounded her. She found that his love of cuddles past to her, she felt completely comfortable showing that level of affection to him. He was her baby after all, no one could judge her for loving her son. 

After dropping Cam off at nursery she decided to pop by the Doctors surgery to make herself an appointment as it was just down the road from his nursery. She would need an official blood test to confirm that she was actually pregnant, to show the army HR. She remembered needing official paperwork from her GP to prove it last time to be put on leave from active duty for the duration of her pregnancy. Once she had the results she could sort out her leave. Bernie wasn’t sure how much time she wanted to take off after the birth this time, in theory she could request a year, but she wasn’t sure if you wanted that long or how she would feel then. Last time she felt the urge to go back after only 4 months but she had been persuaded to take the 9 months leading up to the birth off as well, which hadn’t suited her at all. Being at home with no real purpose, just preparing for the baby had made her feel trapped. She loved that Marcus wanted to allow her time to relax and be at home, but she just wasn’t cut out for it. She was used to being crazy busy, always having to do things spur of the moment as there was never any time. Being at home gave her far to much time to think. This time however she fully intended to work, somewhere that had a bit of life. Maybe A&E or an admissions unit, something where she could use her trauma training, she knew no where would be the same as the rush of being in the field but there must be something fun and challenging out there somewhere. She decided she would have a look online when she got home. She wanted to have a job ready before she presented her idea to Marcus that way he would know what she was headed into and not let his imagination of her being in danger or over worked while carry his child run wild with him. It would hopefully make it easier to persuade him that it was the right choice, something that she felt was important, that she needed to do for her.


	2. Chapter 2

The following day Bernie woke early, the clock read 5:30. She could either try and go back to sleep or just get up and maybe go on a longer route for her run, one she hadn’t been on for awhile. She felt a sense of excitement, between finding out she was pregnant and then finding not one but three possible jobs yesterday, life was looking exiting at the moment. She never imagined to find 3 jobs that interested her, one was a locum job at St James’s in there A&E deportment. She loved the idea of A&E, but it was at the same hospital as Marcus and although she knew there was next to no chance of seeing him there, that wasn’t really the problem. The main problem she imagined would be that those who worked there would know him and she wanted to be there in her own right, not just Marcus’s wife who also happens to be a surgeon. In the army she was Major Bernie Wolf, trauma surgeon, people respected her for her, not because of who she was related too, she wanted to keep her own identity. Bernie also worried that Marcus might get her colleges to watch out for her as she was pregnant and she didn’t want people tip toeing around her or giving her the lighter jobs just because she happened to be carry a child. Obviously she knew he would only be doing it out of love and she too wanted to keep the baby safe and not put herself in any undue danger but she could do that herself, on her own terms. Decide herself what was too much.

The second was another locum job, this time in A&E at Holby City Hospital. It not being Marcus’s hospital was a defiant plus, it meant she could make a name for herself, earn the respect of her new colleges based on her skills as a surgeon alone. The only down side was work as a locum could be spars, there was no guarantees that she would get shifts each week and although this wasn’t important in terms of money, it was for her sanity. If they only needed her once in 2 or 3 weeks she wasn’t sure that would be enough for her, particularly if she found she liked it. 

The third and final one was part-time, 33 hours a week on an Acute Admissions Unit as a co-leading consultant, for 6 months fixed term contract, which sounded perfect. It was enough hours to keep her busy, still giving her plenty of time with Cameron and to prepare for the baby but not too much to give her time to over think her entire life. The closing date was in a week and interviews were to be held the following week. She imagined HR would probably take another couple of weeks to sort out all the paper work and such which would mean she could start in a months time and have finished her contract one month before she was due. It seemed like the perfect job. It wasn’t A&E and it wouldn’t be anything like the trauma in the field she was used to but she would hopefully get to do some surgery. It would be somewhat fast pace without causing her to be run off her feet, which come month 8 of her pregnancy she was sure she would be thankful of. Although with Cam she was never huge or felt weighed down by her bump particularly, so didn’t envision working at that stage of her pregnancy to be too taxing. She put that down to being tall, it evened it all out. The only downside to the job was the fact she would be co-leading with someone. Someone she had never met and who was probably not from a military background meaning there style of running a team was most likely very different to hers. She could only hope they could make it work for those 6 months, otherwise they would feel like an eternity. 

Having turned over several times Bernie decided getting up would be the best option before she woke Marcus up by squirming about all over the bed. She was just too exited about the next chapter of her life she seemed to be entering. She got out of bed quietly and padded across the bedroom and onto the landing. On the way past Cameron’s room she couldn’t help but pop her head in to check on him. Last time she was home he had come into their bed almost every night, but this time he’d only come in a handful of times. Marcus must have stopped him coming in after she went back on tour. He never liked the idea of children taking over there bed, he liked his sleep and not to be kicked in the face periodically throughout the night, strangely. Bernie never really minded Cam coming in, she liked having him next to her, she found watching him sleep calmed her and helped her go back to sleep if she woke in the night. She supposed with another baby on the way it was probably a good thing he seemed to be staying in his own bed all night, she just hoped he knew that if he needed her he could come and that he wouldn’t be in any trouble for it. He was once again sprawled across the bed, he was defiantly his fathers son. At least this time his entire body was still on the bed, but his quilt not so much. It was in a crumpled heap on the floor. The heating wouldn’t be on for another hour and she didn’t want him to wake up cold so she tip toed across to pick it up off the floor and lay it back over Cam. She wasn’t sure why she felt she needed to be so quiet, Cam could sleep through a heard of elephants passing through his room, something else he got from Marcus. She gently kissed his forehead, Cam letting out a contented hum, probably at being nice a cosy again thought Bernie. She made her way back to the door, leaning on the door frame just watching him sleep for a few minutes before heading to the bathroom to change and go for a run.

After Bernie had dropped Cam off at nursery she headed back home to apply for the job. She had settled for the one on AAU, her need for guaranteed hours out weighing her worry of clashing with her co-lead. She glanced up at the clock realising it was 12:30 at that she needed to leave to pick Cam up in 10 minutes. It had taken her all morning to fill out the application, the worst bit being the 500 word personal statement. She could talk about her qualifications and medical experience all day but they also wanted to know about her as a person, the type of doctor she was, hobbies. This was her weakness, she knew she probably didn’t have the best bedside manner but that was from years of the army where the soldiers just care that you mended them not if you know the names of all their family members. That was another thing, in the field you rarely dealt with families only the patients themselves. Families were the hard part, she remembered that from her training and stories Marcus would come home with of families lashing out because they were hurting and needed someone to blame. She hoped that her impressive medical experience and reputation would be enough to get her the job and with the help of her references. She was well liked and respected by her team and colleges, hopefully they could talk about her personality as a doctor for her. 

Bernie read over the application once more and pressed send. Crossing her fingers that she would at least get an interview, a second chance to prove she was the right person for the job. She hoped also that maybe the person she would be co-leading with would be at the interview to give her a chance to make a judgment call as to whether they could survive 6 months working together before she accepted the job. That was if they even offered it to her.

Grabbing an apple and a cereal bar before she left to pick Cam up, having not eaten lunch yet thanks to having to fill out the never ending job application. As she walked up to the gates of Cam’s nursery she could see him standing next to his teacher holding up a rectangular piece of paper. He was bouncing up and down slightly, grinning up at her, he was clearly exited to show what ever it was to Bernie. She court his eye as she walked across the playground. Seeing her, he ran full pelt towards her jumping the last foot into her outstretched arms. “Look Mummy, look” he said excitedly, waving the piece of card at her. She held his hand still to get a better look, realising it was a photo. In the photo Cam was sitting in the drivers seat of the fire engine with a helmet on. The helmet was clearly one of the men’s as it was way to big for him, but she could see the huge grin on his face. The fire engines lights were all glowing blue in the photo too.  
“Did they let you put the lights and sirens on Cam?” She asked looking at him excitedly. He nodded and pointed to the lights that were lit up on top of the fire engine.   
“Cam told the firemen that his Mummy said that if he asked really nicely they might let him press the button to turn on the sirens” his teacher told Bernie with a smile. Bernie blushed and covered her face with her right hand that wasn’t holding Cam.   
“I never meant for them to feel they had to let him, I was just trying to get him exited about the visit” she said pulling the left side of her bottom lip between her teeth, looking sheepishly at the teacher,   
“Sorry”. His teacher laughed  
“Oh, don’t worry about it” she said giving the top of Bernie’s arm a quick squeeze.   
“It was nice to see Cam so exited about something and talking so openly about you. He can sometimes be a-little reserved when we talk about our Mummy’s”. Cam was getting wriggly, wanting to go somewhere, not stand about whilst the adults chatted. He patted Bernie and pointed to a couple of his friends playing on the climbing frame a few feet away  
“Can I go and play please?” he asked looking at her with big brown eyes.   
“If you stay close then yes” she said bending down and placing him on the ground, taking his little rucksack off his back and keeping hold of his photo so it wouldn’t get damaged before they got home. Looking back at his teacher she cringed slightly at her words. She knew Cam didn’t like her being away but she thought he coped with it ok, that he was used to it. Marcus had never said anything that made her think otherwise.  
“I never realised that it effected him even at nursery. How bad is it?” Bernie asked worriedly, glancing over at Cam, who was now at the top of the climbing frame laughing with one of his friends. Seeing her worry his teacher tried to reassure her   
“It’s nothing terrible, try not to worry. He just has never mentioned you much and if someone brings you up he tends to change subjects. But since you’ve been back he’s happily talked about you and told us about all the things you’ve done together, he clearly loves you very much. You two have a great bond, and that’s not easy to achieve when you work away so much, so that’s credit to you.” Bernie gave her a slight smile,   
“thanks” she said, but was too preoccupied thinking about how she had possibly hurt Cam by being away so much. She loved the army, it was her home really but she loved Cam fiercely and would do anything to protect him. She was glad she was going to be here for a lot longer this time, then when she came to leave next time he would be older and maybe understand more. But then this baby would have to go through the same. It was too much to think about now, too many emotions to deal with whilst standing in a nursery playground with people all around. Bernie pulled herself from her thoughts   
“I better get him home for a quick nap, otherwise it will be tears all evening. Thank you for the photo, I will defiantly be framing this one” she said waving the photo in her right hand as she walked towards a Cam. The teacher smiled and waved to the two of them off as they left the playground holding hands. 

By the time they had got home Cameron was almost asleep in the back of the car, Bernie turned in the drivers seat to look at him. She felt so much guilt that her being away had made him not want to talk about her whilst she was gone, she needed to speak to Marcus about this, see if he noticed him avoiding talking about her with him. She knew that being away he would miss her but that’s why she filmed the bed time story videos for him and they had the countdown calendar, she spoke to him on the phone as often as possible and he sent her his drawings once a month. He always seemed so mature and ok with it all, she thought as that is all he had ever known that it would be easier for him to accept but maybe not. He was still so little, still needed his Mummy. Bernie reached out and rubbed he knee gently “Cam, baby, we’re home. Wake up for Mummy, then I’ll tuck you into bed”. He opened his eyes slightly making a sleepy murmur. She got out of the car and walked round to his side of the car, opening the door and undoing his car seat straps. He just reached up his arms to her, too sleepy to walk. She lifted him out easily, putting him onto her left hip so she could shut the door with her other hand. Bernie grabbed his rucksack from the boot and headed inside. She left his bag and there shoes in the hall and carried him up stairs. Drawing the curtains and pulling back the bed covers before she lowered him down. Having spoken to his teacher earlier all Bernie wanted to do was curl up and hold him close.  
“Can Mummy lie with you?” she asked running her fingers through his blonde hair. A smile broke out across his face as he nodded, sliding backwards towards the wall to give her room. She slipped in next to him, lifting her arm for him to cuddle into her side. He moved over to her quickly, laying more on top of her than next to her. His head on her chest, right hand gripping the material of her t-shirt by her shoulder, his left holding onto his bears paw, and his right leg lay over her tummy his foot resting on the mattress at her left side. Bernie pulled the covers over them and settled down into the bad wrapping her arms tightly around him, wishing she could promise him she would never leave again, but she didn’t want to make promises she couldn’t keep.  
“Night night Cam, love you” she said kissing the top of his head. His only acknowledgement was holding tighter to her t-shirt and nuzzling in closer to her.


	3. Chapter 3

It was Friday morning, the morning of Bernie’s doctors appointment to have her blood test to check she was in fact pregnant. Once she had these results she could sort out leave from work and find a midwife for her wellness checks throughout her pregnancy. She wanted to find one out with Holby as she would probably be working at Holby City Hospital and Marcus worked at St James which ruled out the two main hospitals there. She knew if she went to one of those two, news would be around the hospital before she knew what was happening. Bernie was a private person, she was proud of her children but it didn’t mean she wanted everyone knowing, everyone giving their advice and judging her if she went a different route. She had had enough of that from Marcus’s family when she went back on tour after having Cam. They were probably going to be the same again this time, it was that judgment that made her want to keep it a secret for as long as possible, just enjoy it without everyone else thinking they knew best. She was used to making her own decisions and having what she say go, no questions asked, having people trust her enough to go with what she felt was best. Sometimes she felt her team in the army trusted and believed in her more than Marcus and his family did. However that didn’t matter at the moment, she just needed to find a midwife out with Holby, someone she felt could remain professional and not gossip. 

Bernie’s appointment was at 9:30 am which gave her plenty of time to drop Cam off at nursery and walk round to the surgery. She had just got back from her run and had a shower when she heard Cameron knock on the bedroom door. Marcus had just gone into the ensuite for a shower and she was about to get dressed. “Hey Cam, you can come in” she said sitting on the bed, towel drying her hair. He pushed the door open slowly, his eyes cast down towards the floor not meeting his mothers eyes,  
“I’m sorry” he whispered. Bernie looked up at him, dropping the towel she was using to dry her hair on the bed and going to kneel in front of him. She took his left hand in hers and teddy’s paw in the other,  
“look at me Cam, it’s ok, I’ll help you clean up. You’re not in any trouble, accidents happen, ok” she spoke softly to him, knowing how upset he felt when this happened. She lifted his chin, make eye contact with him,   
“let’s go and have a bath shall we, then it will be time for breakfast”. She leant forwards brushing his soft fringe from his forehead and kissing him. Cam nodded slowly, still feeling guilty about wetting the bed, he just woke up and it was all wet. Cam still wore pull ups at night because of this, but sometimes with all his wriggling in the night they moved and leaked. Bernie didn’t mind, she knew children developed at different ages, he had been potty trained during the day for nearly a year and he took to that very quickly but nighttime was another story. She thought it was probably just how deeply he slept, he didn’t feel the urge. Marcus however wasn’t coping so well, he thought he should have got over this ages ago, hated the extra hassle it gave him in the morning when he didn’t have time. He would never tell Cam so directly, just say that he needed to be more careful and remember to go to the toilet but Cam could tell he was angry. Cam looked up at Bernie she was smiling reassuringly at him  
“Please don’t tell Daddy, he doesn’t like it” Cam said worriedly.  
“It ok baby, let’s just go and have a bath, don’t worry about Daddy he’s not angry”, she said standing up from the floor and turning Cameron towards to main bathroom down the hall to go and give him a bath.

Bernie glanced at the clock in the kitchen as she quickly through Cam’s sheets in the washing machine to put on when she got back. 8:40, they needed to leave now or they would be late. “Ready to go buddy?” She said as she went to put her shoes on in the hall. He came and sat next to her on the bottom stair, his shoes clutched in his hands for her to help him on with them. “Spider-Man today is it?” she said as she helped him put them on. He nodded and ran through to the sitting room, he grabbed his Spider-Man toy to take with him. Bernie smiled down at him, “Now, let’s get you two to nursery on time”. 

She’d got Cameron in just on time, quickly whispering a heads up to his teacher in case he was quieter today. She walked round the corner to the surgery, greeted by the friendly receptionist and sat down in the waiting room. She felt nervous for the first time, this week had been so busy sorting out jobs and Cam and just generally being exited about being pregnant, she hadn’t had chance to worry. She had caught herself several times just sitting day dreaming about the baby, hand stroking across her tummy as she did. It almost surprised her that Marcus hadn’t noticed her hand on her tummy so much, it was like it was subconsciously drawn there, towards her baby. But now she had time to sit and think and worry that maybe it had been a false positive, she had only taken one test after all, but it had been such a strong positive. Bernie took a deep breath, clearing her mind, there was no point worrying, it wouldn’t change anything. She would just have to wait for the blood test results, they would probably be ready on Tuesday. She hated Friday appointments, nothing got done over the weekend so you ended up waiting an extra two days to find anything out. The GP popped her head into the waiting room, and called Bernie’s name pulling her from her thoughts. She stood and smiled, following her through to her consulting room.

It was Sunday morning, Marcus wasn’t working so they were going to his parents house for Sunday lunch, it was something they did every Sunday, whenever he wasn’t working. It gave him a brake from cooking whilst Bernie was on tour and a chance for his parents to spend time with Cameron. It wasn’t Bernie’s favourite thing to do, she always felt like an outsider and that they were scrutinising her every move, but it only happened every few weeks and Cam loved spending time there. They had a huge garden and a tree swing which Cam would spend all day on if given the chance. She was glad Cam liked spending time in the garden it gave her a good excuse to leave Marcus and his parents chatting in the house. As it was only September it was still reasonably warm outside, and it looked like a lovely day outside so they could spend a lot of time in the garden today. She could try and avoid them, and hope his mother couldn’t psychically tell she was pregnant.

They were due to be at their house at 12:30, giving them the chance of a rare lie in. However Bernie’s built in alarm clock seemed to still be on army time and she woke at 6:30 as normal. She didn’t feel like a run this morning so she slipped out of bed quietly so as to not wake Marcus. She padded out into the hall, looking in on Cam on her way past, he was curled up fast asleep, covers still on. A smile graced her face, he looked so peaceful. She headed downstairs and made herself a cup of tea and curled up on the sofa to watch the news. She liked the peace of the morning, before everyone else got up.

When she was little she used to secretly set her alarm clock on a Saturday morning to go off ages before her parents would get up so she could read or colour, just her and the family dog. No one to tell her what to do, or hold her to any expectations. Just her and her puppy side kick.

A short while later she heard the sound of little feet slowly coming down the stairs. Bernie laughed to herself, trying to get him up at 7:30am for nursery could be a near impossible challenge and yet when he didn’t need to get up until 11am he woke up at, glancing at the clock, quarter to seven. The sitting room door opened slowly   
“Mummy?” Cams voice came out as a whisper.   
“In here baby. Did you wake up?” She replied quietly. Cam came into the room, walking towards her and climbing onto the end of the sofa.   
“I went into your room but you weren’t there, I thought you might not be here anymore, that you had gone back to work”, he said looking rather sad, fiddling with his hands in his lap.  
“Oh Cam” Bernie said leaning forwards and putting her mug on the coffee table and lifting her right arm up for Cam to tuck into her side. “Come here, I’m not going back to work anytime soon, and I would tell you before I left, promise” she said. Cam had snuggled into her right side in behind her legs that were tucked up onto the sofa, she put her left hand under his chin, lifting it up to get him to meet her eyes, lowering her forehead to rest against his “I promise buddy”. Giving him a final reassuring smile and kissing him on the forehead, so as to seal the promise. She wrapped her right arm around his waist pulling him in closer to her side, Cam wrapped his little arm around her waist, his hand resting on the tummy and his head on her chest. “Since you’re here now, does this mean you want to watch CBeebies?” Bernie said giving him a gentle squeeze and a smirk. Cam nodded enthusiastically  
“Yes please Mummy! You can watch with me”, Bernie smiled down at Cam   
“I would love to”. They settled down to watch Charlie and Lola.

As they sat cuddled up watching the TV Cam absentmindedly played with the seam on the bottom of Bernie’s pajama top, his fingers gently rubbing every so often against the bare skin of her still flat tummy. It made her smile thinking about the baby and how close Cam was to his new sibling even if he didn’t know it yet. She imagined that once he knew and she started to show Cam would want to feel the baby, she wondering if he would talk to it, if he would form a bond even before it arrived. It also made her wonder what he thought of having a baby brother or sister, he sometimes made comments about having a baby, particularly when his friend Ben had a baby brother but she wondered if he would still be exited now. She can’t wait until she could just tell him and have answers to these questions. Bernie decided to just casually ask how he would feel about a baby, see what reaction she would get,   
“Cam, you remember when Ben’s brother was born” she said running her hand through his hair, he nodded against her chest, still watching the tv. “How would you feel about having a baby brother or sister?” She said quietly, almost a whisper. Cam sat still in her arms for a moment, as if weighing up the options. He turned to face her,   
“Are we having one?”. Bernie froze for a second, she didn’t want to lie to him but it was too early to tell him, she hadn’t even got her blood results back yet and didn’t want him getting exited about it to then have his heart broken because there was no baby. She recovered slightly, cupping his cheek with her left hand   
“maybe one day buddy. I was just wondering what you thought that was all”, rubbing his soft cheek with her thumb. Cam turned back round to face the tv, and snuggled back into her.   
“I would like one, one day” he said, “maybe a sister, then I can show her Grandma and Grandpa’s swing and push her on it”. Bernie smiled down at him, a slight tear welling in her eyes,   
“yes you could, you’ll be a great big brother Cam”. As they settled back into watch the programme Bernie felt Cam’s hand move under her top to lay flat against her tummy. He didn’t say anything and nor did she. Cam was a smart boy, very intuitive, maybe he understood the subtle meaning behind her words she thought. For now she would just enjoy the feeling of having her two children almost together, his hand felt warm against her tummy, comforting. 

Bernie finished fastening Cam’s car seat and went and sat in the passenger seat, waiting for Marcus to finishing getting ready.   
“Can you swing on the swing with me at Grandma and Grandpa’s Mummy?” Cam asked from the back seat.   
“Off course baby, it’s a lovely day we can spend the afternoon in the garden” Bernie said turning in her seat to face him. “We might even have an ice cream out there after lunch” she said smiling widely at him as Cameron bounced in his seat with excitement. Marcus got in the drivers seat and pulled out of the drive to go to his parents house. Bernie had been quieter recently he had noticed, she seemed happy enough but just more withdrawn from him. He hoped his mother could get it out of her or even just be able to tell what it was and tell him. They had been trying for a baby the last couple of months and she hadn’t said anything so he assumed this month it was negative too, maybe that’s why she had been quieter. He liked the idea of having another child, but he just hoped Bernie would stay this time because 2 children on his own was going to be a handful. He always imagined having 3 or 4 children but that his wife would be the main parent and he would work and enjoy the more fun times with them. Not be the full time worker and parent whilst his wife was off working away from home for months at a time. Marcus knew when he married Bernie that it wasn’t going to be an ordinary marriage, they had been friends for several years before they started going out, she was one of the guys, ready for anything and that’s what he loved about her, but now it was becoming the problem in their marriage. The thing that was slowly pulling them apart. He didn’t want to separate from her, they made a great team, they always had done, he just hoped another baby would solve this, she would stay and they could be a team together, full time.

It was 9pm and Cam was asleep upstairs, he had fallen asleep quickly, even before Bernie had finished reading his story. It had been a fun day, full of running around. He played football with Bernie and his Grandad, swung on the swing and had ice cream relaxing in his Grandma’s sun lounger. Bernie had kissed him on the forehead and stood watching him sleep for a few minutes before heading downstairs to join Marcus to watch the football. She and Marcus where sat at either ends of the sofa, Marcus intently watching the game, Bernie however was having a debate with herself as to whether or not to tell him about the baby. Part of her wanted to tell him, and celebrate with him, it might help them reconnect again. She felt like they were drifting apart slightly, like there marriage was missing something. They had always had a non traditional marriage, they were friends first. Bernie always assumed this would be a good thing, make them stronger as a couple, but she sometimes wondered if what they had was really just a friendship and not a romantic relationship. She loved spending time with him, they got on so well, always had a good time, but weren’t you meant to want physical contact, to be close to your partner, that was not something she really wanted from him. He seemed to want it though. She just assumed this was as good as it got. She assumed that women just wanted different things. It’s not something she ever talked about to anyone so she had nothing to compare it to. Bernie ran her fingers over her tummy whilst she thought, slipping them under her top to lay against her skin, drawing faint circles across it. She made her decision, reasoning that she would wait, tell him once she had the blood results, save telling him for it then not to be true and cause him pain.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is slightly late, I was away without internet. Please let me know what you think of the chapter :)

Bernie sat at the kitchen table staring at the phone on the breakfast bar, willing it to ring. It was Tuesday morning and she had just got back from dropping Cameron off at nursery. Marcus was working a 12 hour shift with an on call tonight so she had the house to herself. She couldn’t concentrate on anything though, her mind kept thinking about whether she was pregnant or not, how she would tell Cam, would he be exited, how to tell Marcus, about the baby and the job. 

Bernie had woken early that morning to the sensation of feeling sick, not as if she would actually be sick but just slightly nauseous. She put it down more to excitement and nerves than morning sickness. When she was pregnant with Cam she had had very little morning sickness she just had a very heightened sense of smell, so strong odours had over whelmed her slightly. But having been in a war zone and coped with the smell of burning flesh it wasn’t anything she couldn’t cope with.  
The phone rang making her jump, she leaped across the room to pick it up  
“Hello” she said trying to sound somewhat normal and not show just how nervous she was.  
“I’m looking for Ms Berenice Wolfe please” the lady on the end of the phone said.  
“Yes, speaking” said Bernie, chewing on her bottom lip.  
“It’s just to let you know your blood-results came back and your HCG levels are good, you’re pregnant. Congratulations” she could hear the smile in the ladies voice.  
“Thank you, that’s very good news” Bernie said trying to sound professional and not let her excitement show too much. She thanked her again and said good bye. A huge smile spreading across her face. She was pregnant and it was all confirmed, she released a breath she hadn’t realised she’d been holding. Bernie lay her hand flat against her tummy, stroking her thumb over it gently, looking down at her tummy. It was still pretty flat but she was sure there was a very slight curve that wasn’t usually there. The first little sign her baby was in there and growing well. Having put the phone back in it’s cradle she went through to the downstairs bathroom standing sideways to look at her tummy in the mirror. She lifted her top with her right hand place her left on her tummy. There was definitely a slight swell just below her tummy button. Clearly her body remembered what was coming next. After having Cam her tummy never quite returned to how it was before she had him despite her regular training. Bernie had never minded though, she got Cam out of it. 

Now that she knew for certain she could relax a little, sort out a midwife, leave from the army and start to prepare. Before Bernie did anything else she thought she would check her email and see if HR had contacted her yet, even just to say sorry not this time. She logged on and scrolled through several junk emails and some articles Marcus’s mother had sent her about the risks of being in the army and the psychological implications being away in a war zone had on families. Rolling her eyes she deleted them and carried on. She was more aware than most having had a father in the army but she grew up with it, knew no different and she didn’t think it had effected her too much. Maybe it made her more cautious to trust and love but that was no bad thing really, was it?  
Bernie spotted the email she was looking for, saying she had an invitation for interview and needed to log on the her NHS jobs account to accept or decline the offer. 

They had given her the 1st October at 15:00 for her interview. All she needed was to bring proof of address, medical registration and look up local polices, thankfully she didn’t need to do a presentation or anything like that. This gave her a week and a half to prepare and tell Marcus.  
By the time she gathered all her paperwork together it was time to go and pick Cam up from nursery. She hated having to be organised, it was never her strong point, especially with paperwork, it was the bane of her existence.

“Mummy! Mummy!” Cam shouted as he ran towards Bernie. She put her arms out to catch him, pulling him close into her.  
“Hi baby, what’s got you so exited?” She said smiling down at him as he wrapped his arms and legs around her.  
“Ben’s mummy said I could have dinner at there house tonight! Can I? Please mummy?” Cam asked doing his puppy eyes at her and looking so hopeful. What hope did she have against those deep brown eyes.  
“I’ll have to ask his Mummy if it’s ok with her first, but if it is it’s ok with me” she said kissing his cheek as he pulled her closer into a hug with his arms.  
“Thank you, thank you, thank you! She just over there” he said pointing across to the door of the nursery.  
Bernie put Cam onto her hip and walked towards her. “Hi Carol, how are you?”  
“I’m good thanks Bernie, Ben just asked me if Cam could come for dinner, I said yes as long as it ok with you” she said smiling at Cam and bouncing Tommy, Ben’s brother in her arms.  
“Yes, Cam just asked me now. If you’re sure, then yes it’s fine. It’s been ages since the boys have had a play date. Tommy’s grown so much since I last saw him too” she said reaching out to his hand, the baby gripping her finger and pulling it towards his mouth.  
“He’s 8 months now and teething like nothing on earth. He puts everything and anything in his mouth, so don’t expect your finger back anytime soon” she laughed. Bernie put Cam down to go and tell Ben he could stay for dinner.  
“Do you want to hold him now your hands are free? I’ve apparently got artwork to pick up” Carol said offering Tommy to her. Bernie removed her hand for his mouth and put her arms out to take him.  
“Come here big boy, while Mummy gets your brother’s artwork” she took him into her arms and he snuggled into her chest, putting his fist into his mouth, not seeming worried by being held by someone new.  
“Thanks, I’ll be 2 minutes” Carol said as she ducked into the classroom. Just then the boys came over.  
“Cam’s coming to my house for dinner” Ben said to Bernie proudly, looking up at her.  
“I know, lucky you. You have to remember to be polite and helpful though Cam, ok?” She said looking down at him. He nodded.  
“I will, promise Mummy. Can I see Tommy?” He said pointing to the baby in Bernie’s arms. She squatted down for Cam to see, balancing the baby on her leg. Tommy reached out for the brightly coloured Paw Patrol character on Cam’s t-shirt.  
“That’s Marshall, he rescues people and he is a fire dog. He’s really brave, like my Mummy. He likes Marshall Mummy” Cam said smiling up at Bernie.  
“I think he does buddy. Is that a cute puppy Tommy?” she said rubbing the babies back affectionately.  
“We have a the Paw Patrol rescue centre at home” Ben said “We can play with it when we got home Cam” he said excitedly. Just then Carol came back with Ben’s artwork.  
“Ready to get going boys?” She asked. The boys nodding excitedly as Bernie stood up with a slight grown.  
“When did getting up off the floor get so hard?” she laughed, Carol laughing sympathetically.  
“I think holding a 20ilb baby doesn’t really help much” she said reaching out for him. Bernie handed Tommy back and put Cam’s rucksack onto his back.  
“He has a change of clothes in there and some other useful bits. You’ve got my phone number if you need anything. What time should I pick him up?”  
“Say about 7 but don’t worry I’ll drop him off and I’ll give them a bath and put him in a pair of Ben’s pajamas then he’ll be ready for bed since it’s a school night”  
“Sounds perfect, thank you. Honestly if you need anything just call, I’m about all night. Have a good time Cam and be good!” She bent down, brushing his fringe from his forehead and kissed him. She waved them off and headed home. 

Since Cam was away tonight it gave Bernie the perfect opportunity to tell Marcus about the job and the baby. The only thing was he was on call. So she texted him to see if they could grab dinner at the hospital, that way he couldn’t make to much of a fuss about the job as his colleagues would be about and he would have the whole night to come to terms with everything before she would have to talk to him about it again in the morning.

Bernie pulled up to St James’s and parked the car. She spotted Marcus standing outside the main entrance with a cup of coffee as she walked up.  
“Hi, skiving early I see” she joked.  
“How do you know it’s not the first break I’ve taken all day?” He volleyed back, going to kiss Bernie on the cheek.  
“Because I know you, shal we?” She said indicating inside. They headed through into the large cafeteria area, joining the end of the cue. Once they had there meals they wondered over to a table next to the window.  
“Is there any particular reason you wanted to have dinner tonight, we haven’t done this since Cam was born. In fact I think we were both still students and couldn’t afford to really go out to dinner, so had it at the hospital instead” Bernie laughed remembering about there “dates” they had after shift when really they both just wanted to go to bed but eating had to be done and so it was more enjoyable to eat together and debrief from the day together. Particularly as when they were working they never got the chance to see each other.  
“There is actually” Bernie said, her face breaking into a smile. “I went to the doctor the other day to confirm and I’m pregnant” Bernie ducked her head slightly and looked through her fringe at Marcus. A broad smile spreading across his face.  
“That’s great Bernie” he said getting up from his chair and squatting in front of her. “I thought it was negative like last time because you hadn’t said anything” he said reaching up to put his hand on her cheek. “I’m so glad, we’re having another baby Bernie!” He said reaching up to peck her on the lips. She smiled down at him, and squeezed his hand.  
“I know, I can’t wait to tell Cam and see him as a big brother, but there’s something else I want to tell you”, she said a little more quietly. Marcus stood to go back to his seat.  
“It’s not twins is it?!” He half joked. “Because that would be a lot” Bernie laughed.  
“No no, don’t worry it’s not twins, well not as far as I know. My HCG levels didn’t indicate that anyway. I know with being pregnant I’m going to have a stay off active duty but I can’t stay at home the whole time, even with Cam there. He goes to nursery 5 days a week and I’ll go crazy having that much time alone. So I’ve applied for a 6 month contract as a consultant on AAU at Holby City, the interviews on the 1st October” Bernie trailed off looking at Marcus’s expression to try and gage how he felt about the who thing.  
“I know how much you hated being home with no job last time so I think it could be an idea, as long as the hours aren’t to much and you don’t push yourself. Please don’t do anything stupid while you’re there, they get all sorts of people A&E want to get rid of because they’re too difficult” Marcus said frowning.  
“I’m not trying to control you but there is a baby to think about now”.  
Bernie subconscious laid her hand against her tummy and looked directly at Marcus  
“I know, believe me I know”. They carried on having dinner until Marcus was paged to CT for a consult.  
Bernie was relieved by how well it had gone, she had imagined having to fight him to allow her to take this job but he had understood. She never realised he had noticed how unhappy she was last time. So much so he was willing to put his views aside and support her doing what she felt was necessary for her. 

It was 7 o’clock and Bernie was listening to the news headlines before Cam came back. She saw car headlights shine through the glass of the front door and went to open it. Carol was just getting out of the drivers seat.  
“Hi, did you have a nice quiet evening?” Carol whispered.  
“Yes thanks, I went up to see Marcus at the hospital and we had dinner, very romantic” she laughed.  
“Both the boys fell asleep on the way home” she said as she walked round to open the back passenger door.  
“Aww, they must have had a good time then. Don’t worry I’ll just carry him in, he can sleep through anything”. Carol stepped to the side so Berne could unfasten Cam’s car seat and lift him out. He snuggled into her neck but didn’t wake up. Carol handed Bernie his bag and they headed inside.  
“Thank you so much for having him. If you ever want me to take the boys let me know” Bernie said standing on the porch.  
“I might take you up on that, having two seems to take up so much more time, I feel like my husband and I never spend time together, just us anymore. Anyway, have a nice night!”. Bernie waved them off as Carol reversed up the drive and drove off.  
“Come on bedtime buddy” Bernie said softly as she dropped Cam’s bag under the coat rack and started up the stairs to his room. Cam began to stare slightly.  
“Mummy’s bed please” Cam murmured sleepily into her neck. Bernie smiled down at him and kissed his forehead.  
“Come on then, since Daddy isn’t here”. Bernie lay Cam in the middle of her bed and tucked him in.  
“I’m just going to get ready for bed baby, I’ll be quick and then we can snuggle” she quickly cleaned her teeth and put pajamas on before sliding into bed next to Cam, lifting her right arm for him to tuck into her side.  
“I think we could have a baby Mummy, I like Tommy, he’s funny” Bernie stroked Cam’s cheek and kissed his forehead before leaning her forehead against his and whispering  
“I think we could too”.


End file.
